death of facebook

So I’ve been home since Saturday.
Every time I come home I feel like I need to remember something I’ve forgotten.
I feel like I need to find some meaning in remembering. I need to rediscover my sense of self by exploring the savage jungles of my past. And it’s always really emotionally exhausting.

I started to this time around. I went and looked at my old clothes, rummaged through old papers and journals. Picked up a yearbook, looked for old friends at the mall. It’s a routine that is becoming all too familiar, and I worked myself into a funk. I was suddenly really unhappy and I couldn’t figure out why, except I came home needing answers and all I found were more questions.

That is when I decided I needed a fresh plan of action. “If you’re not getting answers ask better questions” -Cartel.

See just recently I had a discovery. I was faced with a brand new problem I’d never come accross before. But instead of treating it like new uncharted territory, I tried to solve it with the old equations and patterns. I tried for a long time to make sense of it by comparison. I kept trying to fit a square into a circle. It’s the difference between advancing in an area of study by getting more and more detailed and complex; and advancing to a new area of study all together.

This has opened entirely new windows of thought for me. It’s helped.me to deal with problems more creatively, helped me to think outside of the box.

So when I got home and I started feeling nostalgic, I thought,”No we’re not doing this again, I came home for a break, and I’m not going to put myself through this.” I just want to enjoy spending time with my family instead of clamming up and getting all introspective and trying to reconnect myself with my former self.

The adage goes if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. It’s true just try different ways. Don’t keep trying the same thing over and over again. That is stupid.

K so my problem coming home was, I haven’t really felt identifiable lately. I’ve felt like a blob of borrowed ideas and mannerisms, romping around in nice conceptually but poorly practiced outfits. I’ve been a little undecided about who I am and who I am becoming, and not really liking either. I spent a lot of time hunting people down on myspace and facebook, and then reading their profiles and what kind of music they liked trying to figure out if they were cooler than me or not. I 86ed my facebook so I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore.

I’ve also found that reading my scriptures makes me feel more myself.



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6 thoughts on “death of facebook

  1. Bloodypaindeath

    I find this to be a problem often. I myself have felt the need for drastic changes. I’m just not sure what. Unfortunately, I recently got really angry with one of my friends because of her ‘lack of self-identity.’ She was trying to change and be a ‘better’ person by seemingly burning away past memories. She attracted a whole new group of friends and I felt that we were being left behind in the ashes. I still think she has the wrong mindset about her and she is trying to be someone that she isn’t. Just some insight, I guess. Don’t try and force something out of yourself. And don’t abandon the people you love in order to find yourself. They are there for support. I know that when I feel lost or hollow, I need someone to land on to regain my composure. Get my bearings straight. But maybe I am just silly blah blah blahIf you want some new music just ask because I have some gems. Have a wonderful Christmas! Hopefully, I’ll be cooking in Arizona instead of freezing in this hole.

    Reply
  2. Bloodypaindeath

    A. You are a saintB. The Grand Canyon? Yes. Also red rocks and stuff etc so on and so forthC. Okay this might take a minuteBands I think you should check out:The DissociativesGrand NationalGrandaddy (they broke up, sad)Mellowdrone (saw them for the first time in Salt Lake a few years back. They just got signed earlier this year and their debut album was pretty great)My Morning JacketPilate/Pilot Speed (their new album is really really good but definitely check out the song ‘Alright’)The Sea and CakeThe Seatbelts (international jazz group formed by Yoko Kanno)Secret MachinesStarsailorTelepopmusikUzi and Ari (local band from Salt Lake. Really really amazing. They are playing in Logan on January 30th at Driftwood Venue if you know where that is I think you should gooooooo. I will definitely be there.)La Borgia (they are French and stuff.)You might want to check out http://www.jamendo.com for tons of free music. And hopefully you know how to use bittorrent.D. Well, I guess this is really tough for me to explain. I’m not even really sure I know what I’m talking about. I agree with you though. I hate people depending on me. And I hate depending on others. I would describe myself as a fairly independent person. I always have been. I guess I am just not really very close to many people which makes me sad, I guess. Now if someone says that you are ‘close friends’ and they say that they are ‘there for you,’ well naturally you would assume that they would be just that. But I guess some people are inadvertently two-faced. And when a ‘close friend’ starts treating you like you are less than worth it, I don’t think you should have to force yourself to be that person’s friend. I guess maybe I am becoming cold and cynical. For shame.Blah blah blah, talk about long-winded.

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  3. MYvolition

    I’ll keep you in my prayers, I can’t relate to everything you’re going through but I know how it feels to try to be finding yourself.Mormon females everywhere are amazing their male counterparts with their new domestic sewing skills…wow.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    I saw you at church. I assumed you were with some new man.   I turned to Becca, and I said “mmmm looks like marlee has some hot young thang with her.”She looked at me with a mixture of disgust and amusement.    “It’s her..brother.” She replied.So apparently I’m not too good with identifying family traits or something.

    Reply

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