Monthly Archives: April 2009

I just remembered

the last fortune cookie I got said

“you will make many changes before settling satisfactorily”

I must not have chewed the cookie enough because I am choking on all that Irony

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Before I ran spell check I said “Horrorscopes”

There should be a branch of research dedicated to finding the cure for indecisiveness. I can’t do everything, I can’t be everywhere at once. I can’t make people make up my mind for me. Believe me I’ve tried. I mean I don’t know what I’m worried about, I’ve fared well already with the choices I’ve made.

I just don’t have enough knowledge. I remember learning about that in economics. Informed consumers have the capacity to make choices the uninformed don’t. There’s so much I don’t know like…

-who are the Jonas brothers?
-Is my brother’s birthday the 17th the 18th or the 19th of January?
-What’s in hot dogs? (Please don’t tell me)

Also from that economics class I took, I learned about opportunity costs. Usually as more knowledge is gained options begin to depreciate or appreciate which enables you to eliminate some options without a heavy heart. For instance once I realize that they cast such and such bad actor/actress in “New Hip Film”. It’s worth to me goes down, and I’m able to opt to see “Other Film”, which is probably fast and the furious, with out any second thoughts or feelings of regret. Until Paul Walker slaughters his first line then I realize, I’ve made a horrible, horrible error.

Unfortunately for me, every option just keeps looking better every day which makes me feel worse and worse
about not choosing them.

I’m getting desperate, soon I’ll order a monthly subscription to “Seventeen” magazine and start living my life by the horoscopes. Next month I will feel sad and discouraged and should turn to my best girlfriends for support and advice, and beware the new moon, an old fling may show up unexpectedly and wreck my car.

Actually, I just made that up. But you know that’s basically what it will say.

A chinese run should clear this all up, fortune cookie never errors

Don’t label people, do label songs on your playlist.

Ok, I’m giving up on secret languages for good now. The last time I tried it was in the fourth grade with my “best” friend Laramie, then she turned on me and handed over all the codes and translations to our teacher, Mrs. Eaton, and pinned the whole thing on me. Unfortunately we’d made up a phrase for “I hate Mrs. Eaton” so that didn’t go over too well.

Today we went antiquing with my relatives. I seriously doubted the structural integrity of the building we were in. I’m pretty sure it’s an antique in and of itself. It was like extreme antiquing. Antiquing at the risk of sudden death from falling through a rotted second floor. My mom found a book of cures from the thirties. There were cures for nausea, bad eyesight and insanity. That could come in handy. My cousin found a book copyright 1956 on beauty and grooming the first chapter was titled, “The teenage years, a time for…beauty”.   (ellipses in actual text)

Then my step dad made tacos, and now my hair smells like a Mexican Restaurant.

Whenever I start to feel un-cool there are things I like to do. Paint something, sew something, write something. Also, I like to play guitar, or turn on my itunes shuffle. I like to let my creativity or my music remind me that I’m ok. (I’m ok you’re ok). The problem is with itunes shuffle these days.

I hate itunes shuffle.  For starters, I have way too much elliot smith and imogen heap in my music library. I put them on there two years ago to see if i liked them and I don’t think I do. Second of all it always goes to everything I don’t want to listen to. But I don’t know what I WANT to listen to. I only know when I hear something whether or not I want to continue to hear it, and here lately with the shuffle on, I don’t. It plays a good song, maybe one in every 15. But I can’t delete the bad ones because, maybe someday I’ll be in the mood for it. Look I’ll prove it I’m going to start my shuffle now

-Track 08 Gabes Mix…not sure about the artist.
-Mogwai I know you are but what am I
-Track 01 Various Artists Guitar hymns
-The Shins One by one all day
– John Mayer St. Patricks Day
-Mogwai Tree of Life
-Curisve Nonsense
oh my gosh does that not just make you want to jump off of something and knock yourself out?

I wish they had a show like what not to wear only for your music library instead of your wardrobe. Someone just came in, deleted all of your exsisting library and gave you $5000 to spend on the itunes store. Stacey and Clinton would put my library in the 360 mirror and critisize me about how I don’t have anything labled. What am I listening to now? Track 3.

The perks of being a wall flower

I wish I had my own secret language. I would post a blog that everyone could see but no one could understand. It would say the truth about everything I’m thinking right now. That way people who think they know me would check my blog, and realize they don’t know me at all, because they didn’t even know I had my own secret language.

Ш цфте ещ ьщму ещ туикфылфю Еруку Ш цщгдв иу цруку тщ щту лтщцы ьуб фтв еру зущзду црщ вщ лтщц ьу цщгдвтэе лтщц цруку Ш цфыю

That is not Russian, that is my new secret language. There is a reward for anyone who can crack the code, and tell me what is written there. If you can, I will take you out for dinner at Carrabba’s. You can order anything you want. Appetizers, specialty drinks, dessert.

Today I’ve decided that I want zero kids. zero more people in my life. I don’t want anyone else to worry about. I have plenty of people to worry about and I don’t want any more. To anyone who is considering making my acquaintance there will be a rigorous testing and assessing procedure you will need to pass to prove mental/physical health and stability and predictable life outcome. Anyone who is flirting with the idea of a mid life crisis in 20 years or anything of that nature, I have friends I can refer you to.

Old poetry I found on my PC.

These used to be songs I wrote, but I can’t remember the music. I’m not trying to be emo, I really forgot the chords I played to them…

we forgot to turn out the lights!
somebody told us,
“man you gotta get here quick
you’re not gonna want to miss this
it’s the end of the world

Everyone is runnin’ around
all of the buildings are burning down
modern man’s accomplishments
are being thrown to the ground!”
and wouldn’t you know we were late
we missed the world vs fate
I guess it doesn’t matter now
the light’s are out anyhow
what difference does it make
I’m gonna go smoke me a joint. To celebrate
I’ll get  a light from the man in flames


And I’m kneeling at an alter worshipping a love that couldn’t save
and I’m still paying homage to what it was I thought we were
and I’m pilgraming to all the sacred places

 where I find bits and traces of you

I try to force a smile while I’m cleaning up this wreck
just in case as you walk away you turn around to check
to make sure your love had an affect
but I can’t let you know you had an affect

so what I loved you
I had to try

You only feel ashamed
of the truth that you deny

so I met someone new
and for all our talking we’re never saying anything
and we’re always running but we’re never getting anywhere
and our eyes meet and we turn away because we’re so scared


and you’ve heard stories
where the boy came back
and you never know it might be your story so you keep waiting for him to come back

but you gotta let go
of your closest call, your only claim
and you gotta let go
of the love you already gave
and you gotta let go




Mission accomplished

On Tuesday my mom and I spent the whole day shopping. This isn’t exactly abnormal for the two of us, it’s one of our favorite pastimes. We don’t even have to buy anything, we could just walk around all day looking at things flirting with the idea of wanting something, then beating ourselves up in the struggle to pull away because after all, we really don’t NEED that new shirt. Unless we do need it, in which case, we either wait for it to go on sale or find a knock off substitute for half the price. I like to think of myself as thrifty; my mom is cheap, she doesn’t care what she’s getting as long as she is only paying $5 for it.

But Tuesday was different. She had a $25 rebate that expired on the 31st of March (Tuesday). She had to spend it, and it came as a gift card so she could spend it anywhere. First we had to decide what to spend it on, then we had to go find it. What were the options? Season 4 of Babylon 5, An “Alice” necklace (Twilight prop replica) or something else. My stepdad was convinced that he could get Babylon 5 online for cheaper than it was at Best Buy, and I convinced my mom that the Alice necklace was a novelty item she could make for less than $5 and was not worth the twenty it cost.

So, that is why we spent the whole day shopping, looking for something we wanted. I don’t mean, knowing what we wanted and looking for it; but rather, not knowing what we wanted and looking at things to try and see if any of them were wantable.

In the meantime I flat out refused to allow her to spend the $25 on me. Even though I was looking for something specific I knew I wanted (in vain, I might add. I never did find what I was looking for, but even if I had I would have insisted on buying it myself.)

I could easily turn this into an analogy and make reference to life, insightfully noting that we try people on a lot in the same way we’d try on a shirt or a pair of jeans, sometimes knowing what we want other times just curious to see if we want it once it’s on…
but I won’t
because that’s not what this is all about.

At one point I dove into a store I can’t afford while my mother dove into a store where Grandmothers and teachers by Holiday sweaters and elastic waist, linen, pants. Upon happily discovering that I didn’t want anything in the store I was in, I ventured to join my mother who was just on her way out of the store SHE was in. She asked the sales clerk if they had a certain jacket in blue, which they didn’t, and smartly remarked that she thinks she MAY have wanted the jacket – if they had it in blue. Then she turned to me with wide eyes and a huge grin and said, “[I really enjoyed that!]” I waited for her to expound, “[I haven’t been interested in things lately,]” gesturing towards the clothing store, “[I don’t know; that was just really fun, it’s been really good to be out shopping today, I haven’t thought about the surgery at all this whole day, it’s helped me keep my mind off things]”

I hadn’t even known that’s what we were doing. But I’m glad to have helped. She settled for two seasons of Get Smart (old tv show, apparently they made a movie out of it while I was away).

I didn’t realize she had been experiencing disintrest too. Mine has been epic. I blame it all on the book I was reading that was so completely more interesting than my own reality, but если честно, it’s been a while. I don’t even know how long. Unexplained, seemingly unprovoked disintrest in all things. Cronic Apathy.

Fortunately, I think the worst of it is over…it’s actually a really interesting story that I’m not going to get into right now because this entry is already too long. Let it be known though, it culminated yesterday in the out patient section of a hospital; waiting with my mom before she went under the knife. Watching comedy central and reading the diary of Anne Frank. Those two factors (the tv we were watching plus the book I was reading) sparked some really interesting conversation which lead to me rediscovering, in some small way, a little bit about who I am and what I want.

Which, maybe I’ll go into some other time.

Lists to get me started

Reasons why I sometimes stay up late
1. I’m stressed out and the same thing keeps running over and over in my mind
2. Reading a book I can’t put down
3. I haven’t brushed my teeth and washed my face but I’m not ready to get out of bed and go upstairs to go do it, so I just keep putting it off.

Why I want to move to SLC
1. I want to meet new people
2. Talent Agency
3. Better University
4. Clark’s Planetarium.
5. Closer to Whit and other friends from my mission

Why I want to stay in Kentucky
1. I love how it smells right now, and birds do not sing anywhere else in the world like they do right outside my window.
2. My family
3. I’m happy here with only two minor exceptions.
– not around my brother or my friends back in Utah
-I don’t want to get stuck here, and that isn’t what you think it means. I don’t mean stuck living here, I’d be fine with that, I don’t want to get stuck in my life, in this place. I don’t want to get stuck in my life in any place for that matter, but especially not here. There is such little hope for recovery if that happens