On Tuesday my mom and I spent the whole day shopping. This isn’t exactly abnormal for the two of us, it’s one of our favorite pastimes. We don’t even have to buy anything, we could just walk around all day looking at things flirting with the idea of wanting something, then beating ourselves up in the struggle to pull away because after all, we really don’t NEED that new shirt. Unless we do need it, in which case, we either wait for it to go on sale or find a knock off substitute for half the price. I like to think of myself as thrifty; my mom is cheap, she doesn’t care what she’s getting as long as she is only paying $5 for it.
But Tuesday was different. She had a $25 rebate that expired on the 31st of March (Tuesday). She had to spend it, and it came as a gift card so she could spend it anywhere. First we had to decide what to spend it on, then we had to go find it. What were the options? Season 4 of Babylon 5, An “Alice” necklace (Twilight prop replica) or something else. My stepdad was convinced that he could get Babylon 5 online for cheaper than it was at Best Buy, and I convinced my mom that the Alice necklace was a novelty item she could make for less than $5 and was not worth the twenty it cost.
So, that is why we spent the whole day shopping, looking for something we wanted. I don’t mean, knowing what we wanted and looking for it; but rather, not knowing what we wanted and looking at things to try and see if any of them were wantable.
In the meantime I flat out refused to allow her to spend the $25 on me. Even though I was looking for something specific I knew I wanted (in vain, I might add. I never did find what I was looking for, but even if I had I would have insisted on buying it myself.)
I could easily turn this into an analogy and make reference to life, insightfully noting that we try people on a lot in the same way we’d try on a shirt or a pair of jeans, sometimes knowing what we want other times just curious to see if we want it once it’s on…
but I won’t
because that’s not what this is all about.
At one point I dove into a store I can’t afford while my mother dove into a store where Grandmothers and teachers by Holiday sweaters and elastic waist, linen, pants. Upon happily discovering that I didn’t want anything in the store I was in, I ventured to join my mother who was just on her way out of the store SHE was in. She asked the sales clerk if they had a certain jacket in blue, which they didn’t, and smartly remarked that she thinks she MAY have wanted the jacket – if they had it in blue. Then she turned to me with wide eyes and a huge grin and said, “[I really enjoyed that!]” I waited for her to expound, “[I haven’t been interested in things lately,]” gesturing towards the clothing store, “[I don’t know; that was just really fun, it’s been really good to be out shopping today, I haven’t thought about the surgery at all this whole day, it’s helped me keep my mind off things]”
I hadn’t even known that’s what we were doing. But I’m glad to have helped. She settled for two seasons of Get Smart (old tv show, apparently they made a movie out of it while I was away).
I didn’t realize she had been experiencing disintrest too. Mine has been epic. I blame it all on the book I was reading that was so completely more interesting than my own reality, but если честно, it’s been a while. I don’t even know how long. Unexplained, seemingly unprovoked disintrest in all things. Cronic Apathy.
Fortunately, I think the worst of it is over…it’s actually a really interesting story that I’m not going to get into right now because this entry is already too long. Let it be known though, it culminated yesterday in the out patient section of a hospital; waiting with my mom before she went under the knife. Watching comedy central and reading the diary of Anne Frank. Those two factors (the tv we were watching plus the book I was reading) sparked some really interesting conversation which lead to me rediscovering, in some small way, a little bit about who I am and what I want.
Which, maybe I’ll go into some other time.