I used to think that whatever my intial response to anything was, or my first reaction, was natural and authentic and maybe not necessarily right…but if it wasn’t right, then I’d make the necessary adjustments so my response was both genuine and correct. Whatever came out of me, though, at least wasn’t feigned.
Tonight there is this local jazz band playing and this woman stands up and starts dancing. She’s in her 30’s, granola to boot and her boyfriend has on matching cargo pants. Her face is pink from embarassment and she’s smiling too much. She moves awkwardly, occasionally jabbing at her boyfriend who is refusing to dance with her but awkwardly forcing himself to get lost in the moment and laugh at/with her. He wants to show anyone who is watching that they are in love and that he thinks she is spontaneous and full of life. Just like she knows people are watching and is trying to prove that she is spontaneous and full of life. But, I have to wonder, by trying to prove that you’re something aren’t you just proving that you’re not. You can’t be lost in the moment and, at the same time, be worried about making it look like you’re lost in the moment because if you really were you wouldn’t be worried about what it looks like. That’s another entry though.
I could be inspired. Reverting to the mindset I had when I was 18, in short, that life was charming and living it to the fullest meant appreciating local art and dancing even when you’re the only one and everyone is watching.
I could be forgiving and happy that people are out trying to have a good time.
I could choose to just be oblivious to it all and pretend not to notice. Of course then I’m faced with the dilema of trying to think of something else to think about and I’m almost out of roasted candied walnuts.
I think I’ll stick with that.